Health Report

Received word from a Dr. Abbasi this morning on the results of the tumor board meeting on my most recent brain scan: They’re thinking it’s new tumor now, growth, or “disease progression,” in light of the loss of function in my left side …. I will be scheduling to meet with a radiologist about the possibility of undergoing radiotherapy, again. Treatment options weren’t supposed to include that, but with the seven years that have elapsed since my last dose of radiation, it’s back on the table along with my old friend Temodar and my new friend Avastin.

Yikes!

Two Book Announcement

Yesterday I had a late morning appointment with an oncologist who debated the meaning of the “increased enhancement,” or swelling, in my brain scan, again, as either the result of tumor growth (recurrence) or radiation necrosis from treatments I underwent in 2014. This latter possibility is still the preferred bet. And yet there’s a new little satellite spot that may be nothing or it may be the result of a hairlike filament of new tumor popping up elsewhere.

Welcome to my world. Nothing really new since October 2020 when I went through the emergency room and missed Theo’s birthday and rode home with bad results among snowplows because is was snowing.

Yesterday also I heard a thump on the front stoop during dinner cleanup and my author copies of Bad Astrocyte arrived. The book is far and away my darkest, randomest, and funniest collection of poems, which is exactly what one might expect of a year of uncertainty. It also happens to be the first of my collections to be written in the new house in Independence. It consists entirely of minimalist sectioned poems from which (brace yourself) I have removed every comma and period I could find. No terminal punctuation for the terminal.

Should you wish to “go there” with me, send a mailing address: We’ll settle up later. I’m not even sure what the book costs—maybe $15? And postage is whatever it says on the sticker, right? So you can PayPal me whatever, whenever, or not. That said, here’s a link to my online store: https://cameronmorsepoems.bigcartel.com/product/bad-astrocyte.

I have invited my friend J. Khan to open for my virtual book launch reading:

Topic: Bad Astrocyte Book Launch

Time: Oct 16, 2021 07:00 PM Central Time (US and Canada)

Join Zoom Meeting

https://us04web.zoom.us/j/71927955177?pwd=YjNEZ0NjVjVZQi9BOHgzbnBGQURWZz09

Meeting ID: 719 2795 5177

Passcode: CjB1Wv

So join, if possible!

But that’s not all …. BA is a book I most certainly could not have written upon first receiving my diagnosis in 2014 over seven years ago when I was too afraid to even google the word, “glioblastoma.” In it, I delve into and draw heavily from not only “clinical fact,” as one blurbist writes, but the stories my comrades in the horror of this kind of cancer. I daily returned to a particular Facebook group called GBM SURVIVORS TO THRIVERS for inspiration in any form and it was there that I discovered the wonderful photograph Kathleen Greeson and her subject Ashlea Hodges have bestowed upon the cover of a woman wearing an all too familiar radiation mask—underwater!

The toll this book took on me personally made it necessary that I, well, write another book! That’s out now, too, though I have no copies on hand, so order it online if you’re interested. If BA is a death book, The Thing Is is alive, and a good tonic. It’s a return to nature, to daily life and the objects that populate it, an attempt to rekindle my first innocence and love of poetry. Cancer takes a back seat in it and only speaks up once in a while.

Poem Commentary

I wrote this poem in the half light of my hospital room on October 18, 2020. The day after Theo’s third year birthday. Symptoms had arisen–dizziness, nausea, fatigue. They sprang up each day around noon. I waited a week before going thru the emergency room at Saint Luke’s. After waiting for hours for a doctor, decided I had better stay the night and get scanned early (was about a month out from the scheduled scan). What—I couldn’t imagine—if not tumor growth, was I experiencing? And the hospitalist on duty reported a turn for the worse!

In Room N – The Indianapolis Review

Lili picked me up with the kids that noon. It was snowing—in October! and the deployed snowplows on I-70 taking exit after exit. I sat at the kitchen table in the house we’d moved into in July and wrote:

We ourselves are the big activity. – The Indianapolis Review

You say because I say. You were saying

because I am saying. Now that I am

dead, I am said. Already spoken.

Those lines were to be my last. It may sound melodramatic, but with a 14.6 month median life expectancy I have had lots of time to prepare mentally for my death. I do feel I occupy at times a liminal space between life and death. It makes less sense that I am alive than dead.

Nevertheless, the unimaginable has happened. Everyone agrees it’s not new growth but radiation necrosis. Over the summer I noticed an increased deficit, a definite loss in the functionality of my left hand that’s deprived me of the ability to play guitar and challenged my ability to unload the dishes, turn doorknobs, lift my daughter out of the crib, etc., but this is probably due to the scar tissue as well.  

A Question of Reputation

I have recently had to draw a clear line between A) the business of poetry (the po-biz) and B) the dynamic life I have in language when I am composing poems. An analogy from my religious upbringing would be, on the one hand, A) your relationship to your church; on the other, B) to your God. It’s really that dramatic. Churches are congregations of people who share a common belief: which, in this analogy, would be that poetry is worth reading, and therefore writing. It has value. But, for the poet, the value it has has to transcend the value we place on it. If I let every editor’s rejection of a poem inform my feelings about the poem, I would be helplessly at the mercy of editors. If, on the other hand, I let nothing outside myself inform my feelings, I would soon alienate myself from any literary world or community: a crackpot.

A friend recently suggested that I don’t care about the reputation of the journals, or magazines, where I submit. There is some truth to this. As a church member, I might care about my reputation in the church, but as a believer I must only care about my relationship to the source. When I receive the miracle of a magazine acceptance, it’s because some one else out there and I are able to share the same moment together in language, and that’s incredible! How many moments do we really share with complete strangers in the grocery store, gas station, or public library? In poetry, we have this possibility for community, or communion, quite often actualized. When there’s a disconnect, however, and an editor sees things differently, we should not be discouraged, but we should learn to appreciate more greatly and be more greatly grateful for our acceptances because they are that much rarer and more special.

As devoted as I am to my writing practice, I cannot ignore the socioeconomic conditions under which I participate in the worthy endeavor of magazine publication (as writer and editor). I am quite simply unable to afford submission the fees that are charged by a good many “reputable” magazines. My wife resents enough the amount of time and energy I allocate my literary activities and shift away from the rearing of our two small children. There may be financial support for bare necessities in the U.S. of A but spiritual necessity is not a thing. In light of this, I have had to adopt a pragmatic, democratic attitude toward my “B” life as a literary production (as opposed to my “A” life as a literary producer): Any one out there who believes, as I do, in the value of poetry enough to create a platform, as a so-called “labor of love,” and apply for grants, beg, borrow, or steal, to keep submissions free, and good poems available, is a friend of mine, and I will submit. I will support with what skill I have those magazines.

A Retrospective

As I iron out the layout and finalize the cover of my forthcoming collection of sectioned poems that derive inspiration from the stories of fellow GBM patients in the online brain tumor community, Bad Astrocyte, a poem surfaced as artifact and testimony to my long-term survival and the prolonged investment I’ve made in this personal project, this writing my way through cancer (as if there were an other end to this tunnel. There isn’t). Here’s a glimpse of the new cover:

What I want most to say about Bad Astrocyte is that I would not have been able to write it any sooner. In shock when diagnosed in 2014, I couldn’t even google glioblastoma without falling headfirst into depression.

So, here’s what I found today: Feb. 4, 2019. A hidden poem, unrecollected by me, tucked under these two that I’ve collected once or twice in books: Cameron Morse – The Poetry Village.

Ketogenic Diet

In the end, I eat nothing.
I starve myself to kill my cancer.
Closing my eyes, I listen for the cheep
of baby sparrows, eager,
insisting on new life. I could sit here
for a thousand years and never see
beyond this moment, this sweet breeze
of heaven, sunlight glancing
among the amputated branches.

In the meantime, I live by faith,
faith in the ketones I lick off my fork
and spatula, faith in the omelet
it takes two hours to slurp and swallow.

I infuse spoonfuls of olive oil into my blood.
The omelet that floats atop my plate
like a pontoon boat in the healthy natural fat
its eggs cannot absorb is my rescue.

At Chinatown Food Market,
I throw up the yellow shell, clumps
of mushroom, the leafy slime of spinach.
I retch and up comes the coconut
oil you blend into my coffee. Dumpster flies
flurry on the loading dock.

The manuscript referenced, Sinophile, I’d nearly forgotten about, too, so long ago scraped. Rejected by my first publisher, Glass Lyre Press.